An Astounding Salute to Freddy Mercury

Haven't you ever just walked out of your house one morning and thought, "I just wish Freddy Mercury was still alive." Well if you haven't this guy has. Chopsticks is a rare find in S.E. Portland and you can find ever rarer individuals performing night in and night out. Freddy here is a regular. Unfortunately Freddy doesn't sing quite like the real Freddy. He tries but it really doesn't measure up. By measuring up I mean it's actually horrible. Only accentuated by the closing of his eyes when he screeches the high notes out.

Onto what you all came here for.

We start off with the shoes. A lovely pair of off white Asics running shoes. I can't quite be for certain on the brand but the reflective tape on the sides is usually a dead giveaway. They're so hip right now because they make him fast, like a cheetah. The ladies don't even know what hit them when this sex panther comes stalking. It's quite fitting that they match his lovely pair of tight fitting off white dockers. They retail for $14.99 at any general store you can find in the country. The Malaysian workers that create such masterpieces stitch them together with love. It's quite a pity you can't see the large blue stain that was on the left pocket. Apparently Freddy likes to sit down with pens in his pockets which is so fetch right now. We now proceed on to his shirt. It's a lovely ribbed sleeveless number for one of our favorite designers. Fruit of the Loom has been hailed the world over for their cutting edge designs and brash bucking of the status quo. They introduced labelless shirts for gods sakes! It really is quite an amazing moustache Freddy is sporting and this picture doesn't come close to doing it justice. I only hope you can imagine in your minds as I was a grand witness to it.

Hello Buttcrack

I wonder what this little miss thang was thinking when she dressed herself before she went out this fateful night. Maybe it was something like, "how could I most closely resemble a circa 1982 twenty eight dollar skank?" If that was her intention she has succeeded miraculously.

She started off with a skin tight black T that accentuates every curve and roll of her body. Notice her darker legs. Thats right folks, she has sheathed her legs in fishnet stockings. Finally to bring the ensemble together she dialed up Britney Spears for advice.

"Hey Britney what up? I need some advice on what to wear tonight to make me beautiful and men to want me."

Britney- "Oh honey that's too easy. Wear something that is four sizes too small for you and no underwear. Then get really drunk, take some horse tranquilizers and make sure you aren't wearing any underwear."

Oh yes everyone. Those are HOT pants. The hottest of the HOT. So HOT they are literally burning off. This particular pair was designed by the good folks in Beaverton to put the onus on her rump. What an onus it was. It was like a great big target or flashing neon sign. She has a lovely little butt crack poking out that is covered by neither the pants or the shirt. What a delicious treat some lucky fellow must have taken home later that evening. An even better surprise when he wakes up in the morning to find what is lying under his covers with him. It has the makings of a true Hollywood love story doesn't it?